Flash - for publication 21/07/08
The CIF have come to an agreement with the government on a series of measures to kickstart the flagging property market. These measures are effective immediately.
Not buying a house to become illegal It has come to the attention of the CIF that there are subversives who are operating within the Free State with jobs, who could potentially afford to buy a shoebox apartment in the middle of nowhere if they committed themselves to a lifetime of crippling debt, but have not yet done so - for some unknown reason.
This will now become a criminal offence under Section V of the Offences Against Tom Parlon Act 2008. Offenders will be rounded up and imprisoned indefintiely in CIF ‘re-education’ camps until they come to their senses.
Forced marraige Apparently two people need to submit themselves to a lifetime of crippling debt these days to buy a poky shoebox in the middle of nowhere, so anyone in Ireland over the age of 18 who is not already married will be forced to get married immediately. All chruches and registry offices in the State will be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week from now on, to get us over the hump like.
The CIF doesn’t really give a shit if ye’re both lads or lassies or whatever. We’re very liberal in that regard. As long as ye *jointly qualify for a mortgage *- that’s the most important thing. And if ye like each other too - bonus. While your love for each other might wane as the years pass, rest assured that your forty year interest only mortgage will endure.
Confidence & Positivity Everyone is required to maintain a healthy air of confidence and positivity about themselves at all times, even while sleeping. Rare exceptions to the above rule can be granted for short periods of time (ie in the event of the death of an immediate family member) - HOWEVER, any downcast or negative thoughts cannot be directed at the economy - which is so strong that a few misplaced words might potentially send it off a cliff into the abyss.
More details to be announced in due course.
If we all pull together at this difficult time we can ensure that greedy developers and banks get their pound of flesh by offloading the remaining glut of unsold overpriced shoeboxes onto the shoulders of a generation of hapless debt monkeys where it belongs.
They should also lobby the government to reinvoke the emergency powers acts of 1939 thereby suspending all constitutional rights.
Existimg homeowners must renovate their properties every other year to increase the value of the Investment.
DIY will be outlawed, Woodies, homebase, B&Q & Atlantic will be closed immeditlly.
All timber-frame homes to be torn down and re-built in better concrete.
To be fair, all concrete homes must also build a deck.
Hey! wait a minute.
I don’t think that’s a real CIF press release at all. I think you just made that up.
You had me going. It all sounded very like a CIF press release. Until I got to this bit…
You let your guard down there with that little bit of compassion.
Xman, ye better invest in IP address cloaking software before Tommy and the gang zero in your address! If ye suddenly become quiet on the pin, we’ll send over OW, TUG and the lads for a drive-by.
I’ll have a go.
CIF demand that CAB’s authority to be expanded.
In an all too monotonous cycle, the latest biweekly press release by the Construction Industry Federation of Ireland (CIF) , to remind their paid subscribers that they still exist and are working tirelessly to keep the property market rising, details a simple cost-effective plan for the use of the Criminal Assets Bureau (CAB) to prop up the property market for eternity. At the press conference, CIF president Tom Parlon said that it is shockingly criminal that there are people in the country with the price of a house in their bank accounts and they refuse to buy that buy-to-let investment of a lifetime. Mr Parlon demanded that the Dail expand the CAB with emergency powers to confiscate the proceeds of bank accounts of good honest citizens and use the cash to buy up highly affordable, superb quality, three bed semis in convenient locations throughout the country. When asked about the legality of the proposed plan, Mr Parlon said that those against it were flat-broke liberal troublemakers who couldn’t even rub two cents together to buy a discarded shoebox from Arnotts, yet alone be able to buy to cosy partially finished 2-bed apartment in Kildare.
At a Press Conference this morning Mr Parlon had to twice explain to gathered reporters that CIF stands for “Construction Industry Federation”, and not “Construction Is Fucked”.
A well known household cleaning product’s marketing spiel could easily apply to it’s namesake with very little editing!
Cif has always been up for (the tough cleaning) jobs around the house - in fact, family and community are at the core of our home care philosophy. Cif believes the easier we make your home (cleaning) building tasks, the more time you can have with the people who matter to you most. That’s why Cif has been (the UK’s) Irelands first choice in taking you to the cleaners for decades.
Cowen Invites Fuckers
irishtimes.com/newspaper/bre … king66.htm
Remember When Tom was suggesting we should hand over our National Pension Fund…
Well, CIF has a fund of their own.
I wonder where it’s invested.
Over 375 Construction firms are members of the Construction Federation Executive Pension Scheme (CFEPS). The Scheme is an “umbrella” pension scheme administered by Construction Industry Federation (CIF) for employers involved in the Irish Construction Industry. The CFEPS was set up due to the high level of costs and charges associated with all other pension schemes available in Ireland.
The assets of the Scheme amount to over E500 million and annual contribution income amounts to well over E40 million. Total membership is over 2,500, E7.2 million worth of pensions are paid out annually and total benefits paid to date exceed E207 million.
Speedboat apartments in Leitrim?
Tom said on Radio 1 the other day that “our pension fund which is in funds to the tune of 20 billion that could be made available, y’know technically”, but that article says the CIF pension fund only has 500 million in it.
I wonder how Tom could be so massively mistaken about the size of his own pension fund?
Just read this post
In Singapore if you do not buy a house or get married by 30 you get an interview, with social workers.
It works very well. No skangers hanging around.
They also tear down anything over about 25 years.
However no minimun pay for builders so they get about 2.50 an hour.
Might work in ireland
Forced marriage…might not be such a joke after all
unless I’m mistaken (and believe me through 172 pages of impenetrable legal mumbo jumbo, a la Lisbon Treaty, I could be) this does more or less the same thing:
justice.ie/en/JELR/Pages/Gen … rship_Bill