“It’s for your own good”… I was, thinking this is just cheesy scriptwriters lazy characterization of the abuser, but then again, maybe not!
Things Abusers and Manipulators Say to Their Victims
People who have strong narcissistic tendencies and other toxic people are known for their manipulation tactics. Some of them are consciously cunning and deceiving. While others are more primitive and blunt in their disturbing behaviors.
Here are some of the things abusers and toxic people say to their victims, and what it means:
Its for your own good Meaning, you should be grateful, not upset.
Youre too sensitive. Meaning, your reaction to my toxicity is unreasonable.
Its your fault. Meaning, I did nothing wrong here; it’s you.
You deserve it. Meaning, you are deserving of being mistreated.
Dont be so dramatic. Meaning, you’re overreacting and instigating conflict.
You are so cold, cruel, and lack forgiveness. Meaning, you shouldn’t hold me responsible for my hurtful and manipulative behavior.
You made me do it. Meaning,I have no control over myself in this instance; you’re responsible for what I did.
Headlines with first line, more detail in the link:
1) Find someone vulnerable
Victims are often already victims of other forms of abuse, whether at school or home…
2) Convince the victim that their insecurities are warranted, but you can look past them
Now that the victim is established as a vulnerable person with low self worth, the abuser can play off of that to their advantage…
3) Make the victim believe that their friends and family are bad for them
The abuser is just looking out for you , right? Here is part of the magic trick. If the abuser can convince the victim to leave their own friends, then the abuser doesn’t have to do any of the work on their own…
4) Isolate them from others
If those friends are so bad for the victim, they should give them up right?
5) Insist on small rules to help them “improve” their lives
Now that the victim is isolated from others, and has started to trust the abuser as the authority, the abuser can start to introduce some small “rules” to correct undesirable character traits in the victim. Desperate for change and to feel better, the victim will follow the rules even if they feel slighted.
6) Keep tabs on them to “help” their public image
Since the abuser is oh-so-generous with “helping” the victim be less of a piece of shit (sorry, I’m bitter and it shows), the abuser can now introduce the idea of helping to manage the victim’s online accounts or hear about what happened while the two are apart…
7) Tie sex and love together
Sexual violence is an incredibly traumatic and powerful tool that abusers use to shame their victims. It is never about sex but about power. Especially for young girls, there is so much shame tied up in sexual acts that it is a prime tool for warping her entire reality around healthy relationships…
8) Introduce harsher rules
Now the victim is much more isolated and convinced that they must do everything their abuser tells them to do. Part of the fear that keeps victims trapped is that they truly believe the abuser is helping them out of their insecurities…
9) Remind the victim you are doing them a favor by being with them
When the victim inevitably starts to get fed up with the abuse, the abuser reminds the victim that it is out of the goodness of their heart that they are helping the victim and staying with them. The victim looks around at their life, seeing that there is no one left but the abuser…
10) Leverage some kind of blackmail over them
Just in case the victim is a feisty one (you bet I was), the abuser needs to have a backup plan…
11) If they start to get away, love bomb them
If the victim starts to mention leaving, or trying to get away, there is a tactic called love bombing.
12) Rely on trauma bonding to keep them trapped
The love bombing need not last long, because there is also something called trauma bonding . Trauma bonding is when a victim has learned that they need to be “good” in order to receive love…
13) If they finally get away, don’t worry you’ll find another (probably younger and more vulnerable) one
Again, these rules are written as if they are for the abuser but that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s an exaggeration to demonstrate the true ridiculousness of all of this. And while it may be ridiculous, I fell into it and so have many amazing victims that I know. I