A customer enters a Bank.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean “miss”?
C: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We’re closin’ for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this property market what I bought into not half an hour ago in this very bank.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Celtic Tiger…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?
C: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. 'E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e’s uh,…he’s resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead housing market when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
O: No no it’s not dead, it’s, it’s restin’! Remarkable creature, the Celtic Tiger, idn’it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! resting!
C: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely 'ad enough of this. That housing market is definitely deceased, and when I bought into it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged boom.
O: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did the housing market fall flat on it’s back the moment I got a home?
O: The Celtic Tiger prefers kippin’ on it’s back! Remarkable beast, id’nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: 'E’s passed on! This Tiger is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E’s expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn’t propped him up with cheap credit for so long 'e’d be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E’s off the twig!
'E’s kicked the bucket, 'e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-TIGER!!
(pause)
O: Well, I’d better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I’ve had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of housing booms.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a Deposit Account.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does grow at 16% per annum?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?